The Greatest Victorious Fanfiction Guide Evar
by professor lazyass
Summary: I have taken it upon myself to make a guide on writing Victorious fanfiction, because I am that generous. You all shall become awesome writers, but not as awesome as me. Sorry. / / THIRTEEN: TRIBBIE AND MRS. WEST?
1. Bitch ToriJade and OMG SO PRETTY

*cough*

Here is the (somewhat) complete guide on writing a Victorious fanfiction, please keep in mind these important facts.

/ /

**One.**

Tori/Jade must be a bitch, depending if you're fic is omg!Bori or omg!Bade. The other characters rarely show up, only filling in pointless diolouge and "filler chapters", which are probably just excuses to get omgsomanymoar reviews to update, which, fyi, will only be one word. A whole sentence you ask? Psh! Unheard of, my friend!

Back to bitch!Tori/Jade.

If this is a Bade fic, then Tori must be a complete slut, who has no compassion for Jade whatsoever. She will make perverted and omgsofucking "sexy", comments; Jade will then proceed to tightly grab Beck's arm, snarl at Tori, and then be completely out of character and break down in Beck's RV later, confessing that she is just _so _in love with him, and she is actually vulnerable and weak. They will then kiss, and have sex, because that's all they do, right? Of course, of course.

If you are writing a Bori fic, then Jade must be a heartless, low-life, bitch that has a black hole for a heart and so conscious. Beck will come up to Tori one day, and confess spontaneously that he had just broken up with Jade, with no hint of sadness or remorse. (What. So. Ever.) Tori will then feel sorry for Jade, because even though her kindness is unparallel to Jade's, she is the perfect angel we just all know and love. Beck will then confess that he couldn't stop thinking about her, cheesily, I might add, and then give Tori a chaste kiss on the lips, even though he just dumped his two-year girlfriend about… ten minutes ago. But Tori and Beck's love will PREVAIL ALL SLUTS WITH PEIRCINGS AND STREAKED HAIR, BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST. THAT. AWESOME.

/ /

**Omg, Number Two.**

/ /

The way you write is _very_ {i/m_portnt.] you must write in all lowercase, with t/o/n/s of _b-e-a-utiful _symbols, because it's like so pretty, and no one can read what hell you've just written. But, alas, this only applies for one-shots, because one-shots are always filled with suicide and OMG ANGST and eating disorders, and anything else does not deserve the _b_e_a_u_t_y of fucked up letters.

/ /

(_to be continued…_)

/ /

**A/N: **And that's all I've come up with so far… no this is not a parody of fics, thank god that most of the Victorious fanfiction here is amazing, but there are a _few_ that are kind of sort of ridiculous. I've also noticed the fads or whatever, and I've made a guide on how to put these into action, and make the best Victorious fanfiction evar.

I need suggestions, so please **review!~**

/ /


	2. Bastard Beck and Preggo Jade

/ /

**Omg he's **_**such **_**a bastard. (Number Three, please.)**

/ /

Ah, yes. Bastard!Beck, a lovely young man, I might say. A true and honest fellow, a complete lady's man. He cheats on his ever-so-bitchy girlfriend (who he's dated for two years,) with a fine, oblivious, perfect angel, Tori – $&*! – Vega. Oh, of course. This chap _must_ be in your omg!Bade or omg!Bori fic, if you want terrible climax and omgmoarandmoar reviews! This… this is his story…

*fades out*

There's a young man, Bastard!Beck, smiling at a lunch table, his arm slung over his ever-annoyingly-present bitchy girlfriend, Jade West. But, alas! What is this? He's looking into a soul! THE VERY SOUL THAT IS TORI VEGA'S!

*omg gasp*

Bitch—Excuse me, _Jade_, digs her fingernails into his hand. He'll smile and reassure her… but he's plotting something in his head…

The very next day, he walks up to Tori and claims that he "broke up" with Jade, in full bastard-ality. Supid Slut—_ahem, _I mean Tori—shall smile and ask him out, to which he says yes. Oh isn't he just charming? They go out, and Jade is just an innocent little girl who we all know, oblivious to it all—same with Tori, but she's just too stupid—I mean _just too in love_ to realize that she's a mistress. And, eventually, he'll fall in love with Tori, and will break up with Jade, who has always been a _bitch_, anyways, and Tori will find out that she _was _Bastard!Beck's mistress—but she's okay with it though because THEY BOTH ARE JUST SO IN LOVE OMG.

And then, they proceed to ride off into the sunset, towards the red carpet, while Jade turns into a drunk, and gets abused because there is just _so_ much angst.

The end.

(Oh! Wait! I forgot the rainbows!)

/ /

**#4. **

/ /

Now, if you want you're Totally Aswm Victorious omg!Bade fic to be _amazing, _you obviously have to have Jade pregnant, whether you _want it or not._

Ahem.

Jade's "surprising" and **totally **_**not**_**cliché** pregnancy will surely add _romance and suspense_ to your fanficiton. She will either have unprotected sex (because Jade would _never_ demand for a condom, amirite?) with Beck, or get raped. I highly recommend rape, though. It's just another impotant ingredient to the OMG BEST !BADE FIC EVER

But if this is an OMG TOTES ANGST one-shot, she must either keep the baby and it'll ruin her life, or give the baby away and it'll ruin her life. Either way Jade _must_ get OMG SO DEPPRESSED and then get abused right before Beck leaves her, bcuz srsly,

YOU CAN NEVAR HAVE TOO MUCH ANGST.

/ /

A/N: Ta-da!~ Because of popular and awesome demand, here is chapter two! (Seriously guys, ten reviews in one day? :D )

Yes, the chapters will always be two steps ( :'C ) each in the GREATEST VICTORIOUS FANFIC EVAR, I try to update daily, if not every other day. I'm leaving for Chicago with the fam (I live in Central IL,) on the weekend, so I won't be able to update and/or read your guys' awesome reviews as much as I want. :C

Also, to stop you trolls from flaming, here is a srsly srs note. Srsly.

**I **_**do **_**take rape seriously, k thanks for asking. But I'm just pointing out that it is so over-used in fics, and I don't know what else to say. …So yeah. **

Lol. I just failed with seriousness as usual, but hopefully you catch my drift.

…Right?

( The Bastard!Beck is a suggestion from an anonymous reviewer, who was my first review. So thanks, this one's for you! And keep the **suggestions** coming! ;D )

**PS! - K. I appreciate all of your reviews and stuff on _all_ of my fics, but I submitted one called _c'mon, lets keep it together,_ and it's only got two reviews... I'm not trying to sound needy or like a review whore, but I worked _really _hard on it! D: **

**I won't lie, it _is _Jori, I know not a lot of people like that couple, but it has Bade in it also.  
**


	3. The Other Ones and OMG TERRIBLE PLOT

/ /

**N u m b e r F I v e . . . ?**

/ /

Not only are the characters important, your plot is as well. If you want reviews and climax and OMG AWESOMENESS you just _have _to have a new event in _every_ chapter.

Let's say Cat gets in a car crash, and her bestest-friend with benefits shows up at the hospital. But then Cat loses her memory, and then Beck breaks up with Jade, and then Tori is the little whore/bitch we all know and _omg—love, _and beats Jade up, for no apparent reason. And THEN Cat, being the brave and heroic person she is, beats _Tori _up, but then Beck beats _her_, up, and then Jade calls the police. Since you got omg so many terrible reviews on your terrible story, you should write a horrible sequel, which probably has someone raped, and Beck will come back for Jade.

But it's not like you're a review whore or anything.

Pft.

_No. Way. _

/ /

**Numero Ses.**

**(That's how you spell it, right?)**

/ /

A lot of you have been asking me about the _Other Ones._ So I'm going to tell you about them.

We all know that we all only write omg!Bade, omg!Bori, bcuz, srsly. All other couples are worthless, and won't get you ANY reviews. So character's like Andre, Trina, sometimes Cat, and _especially _Robbie, don't matter.

Bade/Bori fics are only angst-filled stories that have the famous love triangle. So, duh, the _Other Ones_ are only gonna have like, two lines. But a lot of you don't know this, and try to insert them in the plot, or even write _their own_ fic. Oh, thank god you have me. Anyways. Only put these characters in the story if you need omgmoar reviews, or can't think up of anything else to write. If that happens, please refer to Step Number Five.

And remember, the _Other Ones_ are only used for reviews/horrible climax, k?

K.

/ /

**A/N: **Ughh… I really hate this chapter. D: But I just drove (well, my parents drove,) five hours through a white out. So you can't blame me.

I think my step-person is getting meaner. Sorry.

A lot of you have asked me about Andre and them, and seriously. I can't think up of anything for them because they never show up. Srsly. And the only reason I write about Tori and Jade and Beck so much is because they're the only ones I really see. Next chapter will have Poser!Jade (Thanks, Anon. PS – LOG IN SO I CAN REPLY, DAMMIT!), and something else. If you want the fourth chapter soon and/or Andre, Robbie, and Cat, **give me suggestions!** I LIVE off of them!

(I've got one for Trina—Talentless Whore Nobody Likes, but I need more of her, too!)

**Review?~**


	4. Bat and OMG Cade

/ /

**Seven, kthx.**

/ /

Cade.

We all know that if you're an OMG SLASH writer, the only way to get noticed is to write the fourth most popular couple evar. You won't get _anywhere_ with !Cori, or !Catrina, so just listen to me, k? K.

Ahem.

Let's begin with the plot, shall we? Cat or Jade _must_ be raped or abused by their father, because if you want an omg awsm, popular, story, you have to have _TONS_ of horrible, over-done, angst. Srsly. Write it, like now. _Then_ Cat/Jade just has to be the greatest-bestest-friend-in-the-whole-wide-world and come save them, and fall in love, ignoring Beck/Whoever.

Or, you could have Jade get mad at Beck, for OMG NOT BEING GREATFUL OF HER AMAZING AWESOME-NESS AND _CHEAT_ ON HER/FLIRT WITH TORI, and use Cat to make him jealous, but then they'll fall in love and Beck will leave Tori bcuz she's, like, a total slut and then there's this shitty love triangle that'll last for the whole. Entire. Story.

(I quote this from Anon, aka _Neko Soda_:) **"BECK BABY. YOU'RE A MANSLUT, SO NOW IT'S MY TURN, BECAUSE, YEAH." **

/ /

**HOLY BEJEEZUS, IT'S EIGHT.**

/ /

(OMG DID YOU HEAR? CAT LOVES BECK AND BECK LOVES CAT—OMG.)

Bat. We both know that only !Bade or !Bori will get you anywhere, but since lots of you have been asking about this ship, I'll just play along.

So Cat loves Beck, and Beck, seemingly forgetting about his girlfriend and cheating on her with her best friend bcuz she's just a huge bitch as usual, falls IN LOVE with her as well. And then Jade get's pissed but then magically is okay with it, because she's Cat's OMG BESTEST FRIEND FUR LIFE, DAWG.

But _then,_ Beck falls out of love with Cat, and goes back to Jade, but then _Jade_ turns _him_ down and has awsm, terribly written, femslash sex with Cat, and then they go elope in Vegas while Beck is omg so emo, bcuz you can NEVAR HAVE TO MUCH ANGST, SO, LIKE, YEAH.

/ /

**A/N: **So yeah. Bat is from _seddieforlife_ and Cade is from Anon/Awesome, _Neko Soda!_ (I can take off your quote, though. I just really liked it. D: )

Sorry it took so long for me to update, and I appreciate the reviews, but I also need suggestions!

PS – I wrote a one-shot for an… unusual slash couple, so check it out? It's called _we only have so much time to waste._

PPS - I was bored one day and wrote down all of the hits for pretty much every couple of the Victorious fandom. It's on my Live Journal, so, uh, check it out?_  
_

**Review and **_**suggest**_**, please! **


	5. SUICIDE HELPS and PFFFT ITS JANDRE

/ /

**OH MY GOD. **

**IT'S NINE. **

**(*flails*)**

/ /

Okay.

Angst.

We can never have too much, right? Right. And that especially applies with Jandre, the newest addition to the Victorious fandom.

If you want to write Jandre _well,_ you must have Beck be a bastard and Tori an oblivious slut. They must leave their said girlfriend/boyfriend, although, Tori doesn't exactly _have_ to be with Andre, she can just have no one, and Andre's all emo because he doesn't have her. Anyways, Tori and Beck must hook up, and ride off into the sunset in a cab. They'll make it big and blah blah blah, while Jade and Andre stay. By themselves. And be emo.

But then, they'll magically become omg—best friends fur life, yo, and then fall in love, all the while still emo-ing over Beck/Tori.

So yeah.

That's how it's done.

/ /

**No way… **

**It's ten. **

/ /

Because suicide is the answer to all of our problems.

Usually, suicide _must_ be related to Bade, cuz Jade's just this helpless girl who has a drunk for a mother and is OMG—SO NOT INDEPENT—and _completely _relies on Beck to stay alive.

Srsly.

We he goes off with glitter-perfect-sparkle-girl, she'll be at home, emo-ing over him, and then will kill herself, probably writing a lousy note like:

_Dear Beck,_

_I love you. Why did you omg leave me?_

_Omg. _

_I can't even. _

_Why did you leave me, sweetie? Why did you leave me? To go off with that slut—I mean _Tori?

_Why? _

_I hope you are omg happy, bcuz I'm killing myself. _

_Srsly, you son of a bitch. _

_But I love you! _

_-Jade._

Yeah. And then Jade will raise the gun to her head or whatever, and be all like: "_Omg, goodbye world. Goodbye, Beck. I hate—I mean _love_—you!_" (Did you notice the italics? They're a necessity.)

And then there's a _bang!_ And Jade… she says goodbye to Beck. Omg.

*fades out*

/ /

**A/N: **UGHHH OMG J'GJLDSJGLS ANGERRR!

I SO SORRY.

FOR THE TERRIBLENESS OF THIS.

AND FOR NOT UPDATING.

UGH.

OMG.

I've been working _really_ _really really really_ _really really_ hard on my multi-chap, Reversed!

So, in order for this to stay good, I'm going to have to make the updates once a week. Yeah, I know. I'm so sorry! D:

Idea for nine goes to – Me. Lol.

Idea for ten goes to – _yourdorkisabel – _thanks, lovely! :DD

-KJ


	6. WHOA COFFEE and Cat's totally insane

**A/N: **So my author's notes are usually at the end, but I wanted to point something out.

_Me _had said this—_I could write tons about this guide but I'll only comment on a few. I'm a little confused because you're always repeating '' or something like that, is that a comment on being against review whores? I thought reviews were what pretty much all the writers here aim for? I mean you're constantly asking for suggestions (reviews) &begging people to read your stories..we all just want a little attention :) _–and I just want to say a few things, because it caught my attention.

So we're pretty much all review whores, okay? We all want feedback, we all want our stories to be read and blah blah blah, so yeah.

I ask people for suggestions because I want your guys' input. I want to know what you guys think about the Victorious fandom, and that's why I'm writing this (terrible) fic, also, some of this is really hard to come up with. And I got a little offended when you said I beg for people to read my stories. I only did that once, and all I asked was if you guys could read it, because I worked really hard on it.

But I will give you credit for saying that in a respecting manner, instead of trolling about it—so thanks.

And yeah… that's my take on things.

So, awkwardness aside, here's steps eleven and twelve. ;)

/ /

**OH MY FUDGING GOD. **

…**ELEVEN…**

/ /

COFFEE.

(it's the sex.)

So we all know that Jade loves coffee, right? Yeah, well, if you want themostpopularBadeficleikevar you _have_ to have coffee in it.

Leik srsly.

So let's say Jade is at Starbucks, cause she practically lives there, and buys _black coffee_ just like she does every other hour. And then Beck just comes a strollin' in (so fly). Jade shall then look up, and see her prince with flowing brown hair and tan skin. He'll order a coffee and she'll sip hers, to try and hide her omgiloveyou expression. They then, since a way for them to meet is unneeded (seriously. Don't do it), go on a first date. …At Starbucks. Cause they're obsessed.

And then, over time, Jade will order Beck to get coffee for her every day, and once they get older and get married, they shall also marry coffee simultaneously, because they _l-o-v-e it_.

Just saying.

/ /

**PFT.**

**ITS TWELVE. **

**(ha ther.)**

/ /

So um yeah.

Cat's insane. She always is, because if you're hyper and spazzy and easily offended then _duh_—you have mental problems and/or a terrible omg!angst filled childhood. Cat-centrics _must_ be about her and her craziness, with her hideous background thrown in there. Here's an example:

_Cat screams. _

"_Daddy!" _

_._

_Jade is so pretty, she thinks._

_._

"_What's that supposed to mean?" _

_(She's insane.)_

_._

_She jumps off a cliff and dies._

_Omg._

_. _

So yeah. Cat-centric fics also have to be related with unrequited love, because no one loves Cat. Srsly. And then she'll kill herself because she can't OMG take it anymore.

Duh.

Jade must be a terrible friend (cause of course they're best friends) and ignore her while getting off with Beck, and Tori is just the stupid slut we all know and love—Andre's that one black guy no one takes about, and Robbie…? Well no one talks about him.

Unless it's Cab—

/ /

**A/N: **I purposely stopped the Cabbie part cause Cabbie's icky.

**FUCK YEAH CHRISTMAS EVE TIME GO.**

Lol.

Coffee idea/step eleven – _Masquerading with Shadows_

Cat-centrics – _Masquerading with Shadows._

Sorry, but she's got good ideas. :C

Anyways, keep the **suggestions** coming and **MERRY CHRISTMAS! :D **


	7. WHY YES WE'RE ALL EMO and SUSPENSE YES?

/ /

**Um, yeah.**

**It's thirteen…**

/ /

If you _really really really really really really really really really really really__** really **_want the most popular Victorious fic EVAR than you _have_ to have angst. Seriously. It's a necessity. Because everyone in the whole entire show is fucked up, has had a terrible OMG!ABUSIVE childhood, and is completely and utterly emo.

It's srs bsns.

Ahem, here is an amazing example. Why is it amazing? Because I'm the one writing it. Duh.

_Jade cries, mascara running down her omg porcelain face. Beck turns to her, forgetting that he's driving and might kill several innocent persons. He cups her face, and his hair billows in the wind that suddenly appeared in his car. _

"_Jade, darling!" He wipes a tear away, because she's just a vulnerable bitch, like every single woman on the planet, amirite? "What has made you…," Beck pauses for terrible effect, "shed a tear?" _

_Jade pushes him away, and verbally abuses her boyfriend. _

"_Nothing's wrong with me you son of a bitch," Beck's car—which has amazingly stayed on the road—swerves, and hits an old man. Jade and Beck don't give a shit, and Beck finally goes back to the wheel, still in love with Bit—I mean _Jade.

"_Alright, Jade…" _

_{}_

_Jade comes to school the next day, angry and mean and bitchier than ever. Her whole face and body is black and blue. Her dad abused her again for some unknown reason, since the author was too lazy and not smart enough to give him a reason to. No one notices, except for Beck because he's omg-so-fucking-perfect. _

_Beck leans against Jade's locker easily, and looks and Jade worriedly. He so-smartly asks: "Are you okay, Jade?" _

_Jade shall then fall into Beck's arms, and cry a river. Beck shall soothe her, and we'll move on to more angst—aka: Cat._

_{whoaheythar}_

_Cat sighs, and leans against the wall, wincing. Her father abused her last night for no reason (shocker, and does it sound familiar? Maybe?). She looks at Jade and Beck, emo-ing over how she can't have one of them. If it's Beck she's worried about stealing her bestest-furever-friend-for-life's boyfriend, but if it's Jade (which it __**will be,**__) Cat must be agonizing about being gay, and how her friend wasn't, and how no one would ever love her, just like her drunk and abusive father has told her millions of times._

_Robbie may get one line of angst, and it's usually just about how he has no friends. Andre may have two sentences, a paragraph tops, about how he can't have Tori. And Tori? Oh, she'll get about one third of face time, which shall consist of complaining about Jade or Beck or other unimportant things—and no one will care, because we all know that Tori's just a slut/whore/bitch that only craves attention and steals your OMFG, SAVIOUR. _

_{pftwhat?thisstuff__**totally**__works!}_

_That night we'll go back to Jade, and she'll be in Beck's RV, crying her eyes out, all: "OMG BECK I HATE MY LIFE BUT YOU'RE MY ANGEL SO LIKE YEAH." _

_Beck shall then stroke her lovingly, and notice a bruise on her cheek. _

"_Jade?" Beck shall whisper this, and Jade shall then turn her head away, "Jade, what has happened to you?" _

"_It's nothing," and because Jade has 04938482180318 issues she has no idea how to express her feelings of TRU LUV, so she verbally abuses Beck. _

_Again._

"_I'm fine you mother fucking son of a bitch, you're such a fucking asshole." _

_Oh, don't worry. BECK'S OKAY WITH EVERYTHING. _

_Jade goes to bed that night, and in the morning she'll be puking her guts out, and the day after that she'll get a positive pregnancy test, and then Beck'll be like: _

"_OMG WHUT?" _

_{whaaaaat?}_

And that's all I have to say about that.

/ /

**Whoooooooooooooooooooooooa, man.**

**(It's fourteen…?)**

/ /

If you want awsm!climax and suspense, then you just HAVE TO HAVE a love triangle. It usually goes along the lines of this:

"_BECK, BECK—BABY PLZ TAKE ME BACK LEIK SRSLY!"_

"_JADE I TOLD YOU IT'S OVER UGH."_

_Beck shall then walk into the hallway where Tori conveniently is standing. Beck turns to Tori and smiles, and then Jade comes over, hell bent._

"_WHO IS IT?"_

"_Her last name is Vega and her first name is Tori." _

_Cue Jade disappearing. _

"_Omg!" Cat comes up and hugs Tori, even though she appears to be Jade's closest friend, "Beck's into you, Tori!" _

_Tori sighs, "I don't want to talk about it." _

"_Hey Tori," Andre walks over, and Beck is right behind him. _

"_Beck," Tori says, "we need to talk. I saw you break up with Jade for me…"_

_Beck takes Tori's hand, "Tori I love you…"_

_And then Andre buts in on the conversation rudely._

"_Tori, I need to tell you something…" _

DUN DUN DUN!

Did you notice how short that was? That's for getting moar omg reviews.

Srsly.

/ /

**A/N: **

**FUCK YES FOR SUCKY ENDINGS. **

Lol. I was taking about the triangle… but I like thirteen A LOT. Points to anyone who gets it!~ As for the steps themselves, thirteen was bound to happen. Seriously, the way people write for Victorious is so… dark, and depressive, and ugh. There's almost no light-hearted fics… okay maybe I'm exaggerating, but you get my point. D: Special thanks to _Purpl3Seven _for featuring this crap on another site _besides_ fanfiction!

OMG WHUT?

Yeah, I know. I nearly had a heart attack. I can't believe all of the feedback I've gotten! Thanks you guys! I LOVE YOU ALL.

**PS** – Step fourteen is an _actual _story! I could barely get through the first chapter.

Anyways,

**Step Fourteen/Angst – **_TaylorOwnzYourPants_

**Step Fourteen/Triangle/Story Suggestion **– _M U L T I S E D D I E _

Thanks guys! I have no idea when I'm stopping with this fic, I've gotten so many awesome suggestions! If I don't get anymore, I'll have to stop—SO KEEP THEM COMING! :D


	8. FAMOUSLY FAMOUS AND WHOA LOOK ITS LUV

/ /

**WHOOAA, FOURTEEN ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SCREEN…**

/ /

Um, yeah.

EVERYONE MUST BE FAMOUS, KK?

Srsly. If you want a good, SPSNSFL fic, it must have someone famous. For example…

_Jade drowns down another bottle of vodka, and then proceeds to grab a can of beer. She sniffs obnoxiously, and then ~DRAMATICALLY~ throws the now-empty can at the TV._

"_OMIGAWD BECK I HATE YOU SO MUCH BUT I REALLY WANT YOU TO FUCK ME SO YEAH."_

_Ugh. _

_The TV screen features Beck on the red carpet, and some slut on _E! News _talking about his latest movie, romance with his (*cough*TORI,) costar, and a mystery ex-girlfriend. Beck denies anything about a past partner, but THE SPARKLE IN HIS EYES TELL JADE THAT HE MISSES HER—OMG. _

**Or…**

"_You're terrible, now go."_

_Tori screams and throws the audition script to the ground, and then barrels out of the room. Later that night she finds a magazine strewn against her apartment floor. She picks it up, and in bright bold letters it says: _

"_Jade West and Beck Oliver: Proposal?"_

_Tori throws down the magazine and then her body to the floor, sobbing. _

"_WHY ME?" _

And that's how it's done.

/ /

**HEY, MAN—WASSUUP?**

**(fifteen…?)**

/ /

Oh please.

You know it.

I know it.

We all know it.

Know what, you may ask?

Why, good sir—you haven't heard?

ASSIGNMENTS + TEENAGERS x A CRAZY TEACHER = **TRU. LURVE.**

Ah, yes—the inevitable Fall-In-Love-Through-An-Assignment fic. Now, I shall give you a detailed description of what is found in these.

_They get an assignment—play gay, kiss, whatever._

_They fall in love. _

_The end. _

Yep, that's it.

/ /

**A/N: **

**YES I KNOW THIS WAS HALF-ASSED YOU DON'T NEED TO SCREAM IT AT ME. **

Okay. Compared to the last chapter this sucks balls. Ugh.

Number Fifteen was so short because really—that's all those fics usually have. There's no actual plot. I don't have much to say except for I HAVE TOO MANY BEAUTIFUL IDEAS.

No, really. I've got tons, and I want to write them, but then I can't find time to update, and school and the writing comp. coming up… Ugh.

Next chapter will be full-assed.

Trust me.

**SUGGESTIONS FOR THE POOR? **

*rings bell*


	9. HOW CONVEINENT and GASP, JORI!

/ /

**SEXTEEN. **

/ /

OH LOOK HOW CONVENIENT. THERE'S A SCHOOL PLAY? GASP—WE'LL JUST LET TORI BE THE LEAD ROLE AND THEN SHE'LL MAGICALLY FALL IN TRU LUV OMG.

Another totally-not-overused story idea is… a school play. Of course it's a school play! Uh, hello they go to an art school? Gawd.

"_Hey Tori!" _

_Andre, aka Mr. Super Talent Man Who No One Talks About, strolls up to Tori. Tori smiles up at him, "Hey Andre!" _

_Said teen leans against the locker next to Tori's and says, "So have you heard about the school play?" _

"_Wut?"_

"_The school play! You know, the one that you'll join and will magically fall in love?"_

"_Oh!" Tori's face brightens upon hearing this and she beams, her fucking white as hell teeth blinding Andre and everyone in a 20380287392730273 mile radius. _

"_Yeah, I've heard!" Cue teen angst: "But I don't know if I should join! I mean, I'm terrible and totes insecure! Plus, no matter how pretty you are on the inside, every teenage girl must say that they are disgusting, ugly, no one will ever love them, etcetera. It's, leik, a rule of God. So yeah. I'm ugly." _

"_Oh ho ho—but Tori!" Beck comes a' strollin', all fly and such. _

"_You are so beautiful and talented! I shall too join this play and be the lead role!"_

"_But, Beck…" Tori looks down and Beckett McAwesome steps up, cupping Tori's cheek. They both ignore Andre. "What of Jade? She will be a mega bitch and try to break us up, no?"_

_And, lo and behold, Jade comes in, all hell-bent and murderous. But on the inside she is secretly __**totes**__ insecure and is afraid of losing Beck, her father also beat her up last night (and this morning, and then he snuck in during lunch—too) and is—obviously—filled to the brim with Teenage Angst. Run and tell __**that**__, homeboy. _

"_BECK!" _

_Tori screams for five minutes straight, clinging onto Beck because Jade's, leik, fucking scary as shit. _

"_WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" _

"_I am with thy woman I love!" _

"_Stfu!"_

"_Yes Jade!"_

_Beck tears himself away from Tori, and enters into "Normal Beck Mode," putting his arm around Jade's shoulder as if nothing had happened whatsoever. Tori falls to the ground, screaming. _

"_?" _

_{lookhowprettyiam}_

_The next day in Sikowitz class everyone auditions. Tori and Beck get the lead roles (duh), which makes an angry and bitchy Jade. Tori and Beck are practicing, looking into each other's eyes, into each other's __**~ SOULS ~.**_

"_OH VANESSA HOW I LOVE THEE!" _

"_BUT, ALAS, RONALD! NO ONE CAN KNOW! FOR," Tori looks off into the audience, which includes but is not limited to: Jade. "THOU WIFE SHALL KILL US ALL IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL!" _

_Isn't it funny how this is exactly like their current, hormone-filled, lives?_

_Jade stays angry and Beck and Tori fall in love, which starts a love triangle that lasts for chapters that are only about three paragraphs long, and filled with POVs alternating like it's going out of style (just like that saying). _

_Eventuallyit'sopennightand—omg—beckandtorifallinlove,wtf?, fo serious. _

/ /

**SEVENTEEN IS NICE. **

**(LIKE ICE—lol that didn't even make sense.)**

/ /

OH LOOK IT'S JORI.

If you want the BEST Jori fic, you MUST do what everyone else does… which is Jade and Tori having sex, and Tori asking questions and Jade having a OMFG BLACK HOLE for a heart and not answering any questions and leaving her, omg.

It starts out with a badly written sex scene, followed by Tori drowning in angst and Jade not giving a damn. Tori asks why and Jade says "dude bcuz." Jade shall then leave Tori confused and filled with unanswered questions. One chapter and sex scene later it's the same thing. Again. And again. And againandagainandagain. Eventually Jade finally breaks up with Beck and she tells Tori that she loves her, Tori, being a-okay with pretty much everything, says.

"OH BUT OF COURSE JADE, SWEETIE I LOVE YOU TOO NOW SHUDDUP SO WE CAN FUCK EACHOTHER."

Isn't is such a pretty fairytale?

/ /

**A/N: **

**HEY LOOK I'M BACK. **

Yes'm. You heard me. Imma back…

Sexteen wasn't a typo, and I screwed up with the numbering last chapter but I'm too lazy to fix it so let's just play along. I ditched the fucking long ass story idea I had for the writing competition and just went with an OMG SO TOUCHING story about a little girl and a hobo… if you want to read it I could email it to you… I dunno. ._.

Sexteen/Omg A School Play – _M U L T I S E D D I E _

Seventeen/Jori – _M UL T I S E D D I E _

(FLUFF is up next, but I need another **suggestion! **Hmmm?)

**REASONS FOR USING ONLY HER IDEAS. **

**I FUCKING LOVE HER.**

**SHE WROTE ME AN AMAZING JORI FIC (it's like my otp) CALLED "seasons change like the iciness of your heart" GO READ IT OR I'LL KILL YOU. **


	10. ShAdOw SiS AND EMO SONGFICS

/ /

**EIGHTEEN, DAWG. **

**EIGHTEEN.**

/ /

TrInA iS jUsT lEiK tOtEs InViSbLe.

YeAh.

In every totes angst!one-shot, Tori is a bitch/stupid slut WHO IS JUST SO WAY MORE SPOILED AND TALENTED AND LEIK, OMG I HATEZ HURR, SHEEZE SUCH A N00B.

So one day, Trina's all leik: YEAH HI MY NAMES TRINA/MISS. AWESOME AS FUCK BUT I KNOW THAT'S ALL A LIE SO UHM YEAH, I'LL JUST GO DROWN IN MAH EMO TEARZ NOW.

And then Tori says smartly: UHM HEY TRINA LEIK WHASSUP?

And then there's just TONZ more TEENAGE!ANGST filled paragraphs, including sex, alcohol, and possibly drugs—BCUZ THAT SOLVES PROBLEMS. **~*EINSTIEN*~**

Please refer to step 2 (in chapter one of this SUPER UBER COOLER THAN SCLICED BREAD (AKA TRINA) GUIDE) when writing this one-shot. Or any one-shot. Even if one got shot.

*that classic drum thingy—ba boom shh—or something*

OH HO HO MAH HUMOR ASTOUHNDZ MEH.

Please consider the person "Trina has sexual intercourse with"/FUCKEE as I like to call them. It can be anyone, really, even a total stranger or a girl—AS LONG AS THEY SOOTH HER OMG!PAIN.

Follow steps listed above and you'll write amazing Trina/Talentless Whore-Centrics THAT ARE ALMOST BUT LEIK 204832 MILES AWAY FROM BEING AS AWESOME AS MIEN.

/ /

**NAHTEEN. **

/ /

SONGFICS, BITCH.

PLEASE READ THIS FOLLOWING PIECE OF BEAUTIFUL INFO-MATION FROM MAH FRAN—AWESOME BITCH.

"_Some have Tori as an annoying bitch who steals Beck away from Jade and she omg is so depeessed that she sings and Beck falls in love with her again and LEAVES TORI THE SLUT VEGA and it takes fifteen chapters for them to get back together. Tori shall threaten Jade "Stay away from Beck, you slut." and Jade shall bite her lower lip, suddenly afraid (omg wtf is that about? Jade afraid of Tori? IN YOUR DREAMS) of Tori and struggles to retaliate (another omg wtf moment. Jade struggling to insult Tori? Tori? Out of all people. Dear Gosh they MUST be watching another show called Victorious) before saying "YOU'RE THE SLUT, VEGA." Um, tell us something we don't know fanfiction writers. And then Tori shall gasp (overdramatic) and run crying to Beck, who shall then defend Jade and leave Tori for Jade._

"I don't wanna hurt Tori," Jade shall say, which brings me to OMG WTF? That would be the last thing Jade would say in a situation like this. Beck shall make a long, three-paragraphed speech about their OMG TRU LUV. Jade shall smile, kiss Beck passionately, COMPLETELY OKAY WITH HIM LEAVING HER FOR SLUT- I mean Tori - VEGA. And then Jade shall write a million love songs dedicated to Beck (OCC by far) and Tori shall die alone, because she's an OMG MEANIE!11! and Jade shall run off into the sunset with Beck, thanks to her song. Which is never written, just entiltled, probably because the author doesn't know how to write a song. Either that or Truth or Dare, or maybe Tori centrics, they always mention her obsesed with perfection and glitter and neglect. Trina centrics too, because she's an ATTENTION WHORE."

HOPE YOU PAID ATTENTION.

/ /

….

...

JUST KIDDING I WOULD NEVER LEAVE YOU WITHOUT SOME OF MY ADVICE.

ANYWAYS.

TORI = SLUT

JADE = OMG SO SAD AND SENSITIVE-ERZ UN-DOR-NEATH

BECK = BASTARD

EVERYONE ELSE = USELESS.

THAT IS ALL.

/ /

**A/N: OH HELL-O THERE. **

NEW CHAPTER FTW.

Yeah hi. Nothing much to say—

I LOVE YOU ALL.

—moving on.

WHOA MAN, TENTH CHAPTER/NINTEENTH STEP AND 86 REVIEWS SO FAR? DOODZ, AH LOVE YOU. LETS MAKE IT TO ONE-HUNDRED REVIEWS.

OR TRINA WILL CRY HER TOTES EMO-TEARS ALL OVER YOUR BIGGEST DREAMS.

JUST KIDDING.

Anyways, caps lock aside (d_ahmn_!) I've got this schedule in mah brainz.

**MONDAY = NEW CHAPTER OF THE GUIDE, CUZ SRSLY MONDAYS SUCK. **

**FRIDAY = NEW CHAPTER OF REVERSED BCUZ…. FRIDAYS ARE NICE. **

And it's also nice and balanced, plus I have a lot of time to update both instead of it being all—OMG SO MUCH PRESSURE.

Hopefully I won't be gone for a month again, and you guys will hopefully be happier-erz too.

**STEPS GO TO: **

_**EIGHTTEEN: peaceluvvictorious**_

_**NAHTEEN: m u l t I s e d d i e **_

**HAPPY LOVE DAY, I LOVE YOU ALL. **


	11. OH TORI AND Y U NO TALENTED?

/ /

**TWENTY. **

**THAT IS ALL. **

/ /

Her blood is actually glitter, in case you were wondering.

That's seriously the most important thing in a Tori-centric. Other things like the reason your writing it or what's going on doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is glitter, how Tori is SO OMG UNPERFECT, and her strive for Beck whom she can't have and creys.

_Omg Tori's singing and she still isn't prefect enough. She looks at Beck, who's making out with Jade in the sidelines. A tear rolls down her cheek as he rips of Jade's t-shirt, and when she walks off of the stage the glitter fades away and there's omg no moar gawd in da world. _

_{&}_

And then you can just write that, right there for about five more times. Change a few sentences, make her act instead of sing. The big thing is to work as little as possible, bcuz srsly—hard work gets you NOWHERE.

Also, as with _every single one-shot in the world, _please refer to step two.

Again.

/ /

**TWENTY ONE. **

/ /

If you wish to have a suspenseful Bade fic, please do the following:

Make Tori a bitch and Jade a defenseless, hopeless romantic.

And if needed, bring an OC/Jade's omg!sister to Hollywood Arts.

Make sure she's totes oblivious and stupid and nice leik Tori, and that she's in TRULUV with Beck, too.

It should go something like this: The new person comes in, all: "OMG HI I'M AWESOME," and meets the gang. She'll take an instant liking to Beck, making sure to switch on her slut!mode and get all flirty. Jade will then try and kick her ass, although all "OMG BECK Y U NO LOVE ME," inside.

This will lead to a 34230948 chaptered story, each only about five-hundred words long with alternating types of view from the said triangle.

And, as usual:

EVERYONE ELSE IS NOTHING.

/ /

**A/N: **OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG.

ELEVENTH CHAPTER AND 95 REVIEWS.

OMG YOU GUIZ I LOVE YOU.

PLZ MAKE IT 100 AND I'LL GIVE YOU ALL FREE COOKIES AND BECK WITH ALL HIS GLORIOUS HAIR.

omgilovehishair.

Anyways, I sounded like a total idiot on the last chapter's AN, so.

SHAMELESS SELF-ADVERTISING GO:

**ATTENTION JORI FANS: **I made a jori community on livejournal, if you're interested the link's in my profile! :D

_Steps Go To: _

_21 – we are the kids, various others._

_20 – Erm, yeah I forgot. ._. Sorry whoever, tell me if it was you. _

**SHOUTOUT.**

**DEAR NEKO SODA: **

**Y U NO HERE?**


	12. LA DI DA and OH LOOK HOW LOVELY

/ /

**TWENTY-TWO,**

**FOO. **

/ /

_She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts_

Jade frowns at Tori's short skirt, and then picks a piece of fuzz off of her t-shirt.

_She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers. _

Jade sighs, TOTES DEPRESSED, and looks at Tori, the cheer captain, from the bleachers.

_She wears high heels, I wear sneakers. _

Jade looks at Tori's high heels, then at her Converse sneakers.

YES—SONGFICS, OH THE GLORY OF THEM ALL.

If you're writing a song fic, you _must_ make it follow the lyrics, word for word, or else it wouldn't be a song fic, right? Of course, of course. Please refrain from making the lines longer than _two sentences,_ as this will lower the quality of your fic and make it so you don't have to work as hard.

It doesn't matter what couple it is (_*COUGH*_BORI OR BADE_*COUGH*_) but make sure you use the song _You Belong with Me _by _Taylor Swift. _No other song will do. I will neveraccept less. And so you must write with that song, BECAUSE I, THE GREAT _, AM ONLY ALLOWED TO CRITUQE YOUR FICS. OTHER'S OPINIONS ARE _WORTHLESS._

Kthxbai, out the door you go!

HURRY ALONG NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

/ /

**TWENTY-THREE, BITCHES. **

/ /

And so forth, there was great magic-ing in… RAPE AND PREGGOS.

Ah, yes! The great tools of ANGST. YOU MUST USE THEM, AND USE THEM WELL—LONG, HARD, AND FAITHFULLY.

These great two things shall put your fanfic to the top, bringing with it popularity, short as hell reviews, chapters, and so forth. Please use them to their fullest, which is about 500-word chapters. Yet your readers will be amazed at the suspense.

Now, let me show you…

Omg Jade clutches the pregnancy test in her hands. She looks down at her stomach, and then Beck just "pops in"!

"OH MY GAWD JADE Y R U CRYING BBY."

Jade had just burst into tears. "FUCK YOU." Since she has 3243324234379807 x 10 issues, she has no idea on how to express her feelings, so she verbally abuses Beck.

…Again.

She then storms out of the RV, goes home to her drunk and high as fuck mother. The next day at school she throws up and Tori "pops in" to the bathroom.

"Jade, are you okay?"

Jade breaks down crying then too, and says "OMG TORI LETS B BESTIES I'LL TELL YOU ALL OF MY SECRETS."

(FLASHBACK)

_Jade went to a party._

_She waz leik mad at Beck. _

_She had sex with a dirty stranger in the woods. _

_But it waz rape. _

_She cried for Beck as blood and pain and omg ~emptiness~ stirred through her body leik whoa. _

And das das.

And then there is various chapters later, all filled with JORI BESTIES AND BADE AND ANGST AND PUKING AND THEN THE RAPIST IS ALL LEIK "YO JADE IMMA TORTURE YO MIND" AND HE TORTURES HER MIND WIF THOUGHTS THE END HOPE YOU HAD A NICE TIME KTHANKS.

~this is how you do it~

/ /

**A/N: **Sorry for the late update! Anyways, I contemplated stopping the Guide.

Yeah, I know.

But it's just getting in the way of more serious stuff, and I'm getting _way _sloppy with chapters. Should I take a break and come back later, or just make updates bi-weekly? Help! D:

SO I'D JUST LIKE TO TAKE THIS TIME TO THANK YOU FOR ONE-HUNDRED REVIEW I JUST LOVE YOU ALL, I ~LOVE YOU~.

When I wrote this I never thought so many people would like this. So thanks a lot you guys! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH GAWD AH'M FILLED WITH ~LOVE~.

Plus I'm all happy and hyper because of the ~warm weather~. Hence all of the: ~. :p

_Step 22 – we are the kids. _

_Step 23 – CheatingAtMonkeyBall_


	13. TRIBBIE and JADE'S MOM

/ /

**TWENTY-FIVE. **

/ /

Jade's mother is naturally a crack addict and/or (preferably and) a bitter drunk whom hates Jade. For example:

_Jade stays at Beck's RV cuz she lurvs him and she just __**can't stand**__ her mother's drunken rants and her beatings for absolutely no reasons. _

See? I even entwined some abuse there, because I am a master that knows all. Someone better than me? Psh, unheard of! Back to the step!

Anyways, you must have Jade become emo and un-independent whenever her mother rolls around, forcing her to come to Beck who is the only one that understands her.

Really, it is quite simple.

Please do exactly what I say.

Then, I may or may not kill you.

Okay?

Glad you understand.

/ /

**TWENTY-SIX**

/ /

Tribbie.

Because Robbie's awkward and Trina is… "insecure".

"_Hey." _

_Robbie frowns, "Are you, leik, drunk?" _

(Please note that Trina is always drunk.)

_Trina giggles, "Hell—hic—yeah!" She saunters over and stands so her chest in front of Robbie's face. Robbie then shrieks and flails all over, yet doesn't move. _

"_T—Trina!" _

"_Mhmm? You're really—hic!—sexy!" _

_Robbie grins, "I… I am?" _

_Trina nods, "Mhm." _

_Then she attacks his lips, and the teenage boy inside of him explodes. _

_They then have sex. _

_The end. _

See? This is simple as well, make Trina drunk, Robbie awkward, and let them have sex. Easy.

/ /

**A/N: **This chapter is short for a number of reasons: Track tryouts. I'm still really insecure, and if you met me in real life without knowing me before hand, I'll come off as insanely shy (it takes a while for me to open up and be the spaz I am). So I'm still considering trying out. …So yeah.

Two: I've also been really busy with school, there's this huge project up that's due Friday, so I've been working on that.

Anyways. A lot of people want me to do a Cat!Makeover chapter, but I can't really write it without reading the material, so does anyone know a fic that has Cat get a makeover to impress Beck or someone? Just wondering.

The next chapter will be better, because I know that this one was crazy-terrible. :C But it was also short because the steps _are _actually pretty freaking simple, so.


End file.
